i apply for peace corps, and peace corps requires a medical examination. i don't have a doctor or health insurance, but i find out that i can get evaluated for free by the military! so, i go to an army recruitment center.
SAMPLING OF EXPERIENCES AT ARMY RECRUITMENT CENTER
"so, you're applying for peace corps? do you have any interest in joining the army?"
"um, probably not"
"because if you were interested in ever joining the army, you should know that after you go into peace corps you are no longer army eligible."
"really? why?"
"well, because peace corps is an extremist group."
"... huh. it's actually a federal program, run by the US government. it's a government organization."
"right, but it's an extremist government organization."
"huh. yeah, but, i mean, there's no political agenda for peace corps. just... cultural exchange and service to communities."
"yeah, but that's what i mean. it's extremist... because it's extremely nice."
"huh."
...
"so, you indicated your weight here, but what about this maximum weight part? i don't think that's right."
"right, i didn't know what that meant so i put the maximum weight i've ever weighed."
"ah, yeah, that's wrong. maximum weight means the maximum allowable weight for army eligibility. let's see here... [consults chart]... yeah... you're 10 pounds over. i mean, for army. ... i mean, you're probably fine... for peace corps"
after being told by the army that i am a fat extremist, i am ready for my appointment. i wake up at 4am this morning and use a bike/MAX combo to get to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) next to the airport, where i am processed starting at 5:30 am with 20 recent military recruits. like them, i am yelled at frequently.
SAMPLES OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR BY MEPS PERSONNEL
[in speed mumble] "how old are you today?"
"i'm fine, thanks"
"how OLD, how OLD ARE YOU TODAY?"
"what? oh, sorry, i'm 27"
"have you enlisted with the army before?"
"nope"
"what was that?"
"...no, uh-uh."
"YES or NO please. have you ENLISTED IN THE ARMY before."
"no"
"get your hands off the counter"
"yes, sir"
then i sit through a 2-hour armed forces-related presentation which instills a sense of discipline, fear, and a sense that anything could go wrong at any time unless i am constantly alert. my blood pressure is taken, to my horror, by a woman who looks and acts CREEPILY similar to the horrible Patience Tolentino of Concepts in Community Living, in horrible Clackamas. she is rude. she then watches attentively as i pee into a cup.
my eyes and ears are checked, and i have a brief consultation with a doctor.
then, the horror.
the "females" in the group, myself included, are herded by "Patience" into a room where we strip down to our underwear and stand in a line. one girl is near tears because she is forced to reveal her stretch marks and appendectomy scar. we tiptoe, we squat, we parade one-by-one through the room in our underwear. my underwear are old and, i fear, see-through. we squat again with our knees in the air and do a rolls-of-fat-inducing "duck walk" through the room.
demoralizing.
"Patience" watches, as well an even ruder girl with a heart tattooed behind her ear. the nurse practitioner is also there, and she is blessedly nice.
throughout the day, i hear a number of comments like, "hey, when are we going to get our special-issue weapons? you know, BAM! BAM!" or "i'm joining airforce. that's the one where you drop out of a plane and just shoot everyone you see."
one guy also says that he is so mad at Eve (of Adam & Eve)--and is mad by extension at women generally--for eating that apple which now makes it necessary for everyone to wear clothes, which means he doesn't get to see naked women walking around all the time. everyone laughs.
MEPS hasn't seen a peace corps applicant come through in probably 3 years.
i feel like maybe i make them almost as uncomfortable as they make me.
my forms appear to be complete and in good order! so. one painful step closer to africa.
