farewell to max

max visited town and it was great!

and this is a farewell blog for max: until another time. when we shall romp through the streets of portland once again.

in other news, i think i am dehydrated.

whizzinator

http://www.whizzinator.com/whiz2.htm

alarming slide show in spanish

click here for alarming slide show in spanish

reflections

today is the day after valentine's day, and the day after my great love (al franken) said good-bye.

luckily, i was busy enough at work for the last week or so to have gotten behind in listening to the al franken show, so i still had downloads from monday and tuesday to listen to... i listened live to the last broadcast yesterday... and now have about half an hour left of the tuesday show.

and then... that's it. that's it for me and friendship and comraderie during the workweek.

al franken got all choked up a couple of times this week on air. quite endearing of course. he got choked up over:

• goodbyes to al franken show staff and guests
• soldiers in iraq dying from lack of supplies
• soldiers singing an army song together while hugging in iraq

anyway, i am feeling pretty sad. about that.

boy am i going to miss him. you can see his announcement of his senatorial candidacy at: www.alfranken.com. at first, i thought he seemed a bit smirky and that that could be trouble, but by the end of the video i decided it was a pretty good video. i'll probably volunteer doing clerical work for his campaign, and give him money, and stuff. after that, i'll get a life.

well, today we interviewed a girl named megan for an internship. she was young, bright, and naive. i felt like telling her all the horrible things in store for her, such as unemployment and horrific office social situations and loss of love.

last night dork club did not happen, since it's going to be happening on thursdays for a while. the people seemed alarmed by this and everyone came over anyway, and we played a new card game called "nuts," which me and taya won. i have to say, mostly me.

then everyone left except taya and kai and we talked about futures and grad school and i expressed my usual quite depressing forecast, which is that graduate school will be lonely and isolating and that the glory days will finally disappear for good, and that at some point it just turns into a weird thing to continue living with your friends in college-style housing.

taya and kai had more rosy pictures of their futures and of mine, and tried to dissuade me that the future will suck. i remain unconvinced. at least about the near future. for whatever reason, i project for myself a happy mid-life and later life, though a less happy 30s and probably a mildly unhappy later-life decline. so that my life would look like this with happiness on the y axis:

h h
h h h h
h h h h h
youth 17-26 27-35 35-65 65-80

youth was bad for me in a lot of ways.

[ed note: my beautiful chart above apparently gets messed up in the publishing process. please picture the hs spread out in columns neatly above each age range.]

i have been very busy at work and am kind of stressed out that i am in charge of fundraisers for the students going with us to nicaragua. as it turns out, i don't like fundraising very much. i don't mind organizing things and making stuff to sell and this and that, but i don't like the actual getting money from people part.

ok, in better news: i bought a latte this morning and reheated the second half of it just now in the microwave, and drank it, and it was good.

also, the dining services committee, of which i am now a member, is kind of cool because i meet with people that i work with in this office, and it is breaking down some glacial barriers that existed between us before.

my room is spotless and inviting at home. my laundry is clean and put away. i have been productive in a variety of areas in my life, and also have been going to the gym regularly. my bicycle is working, with zero flat tires, and two working lights. my health is good. but, today i feel sad in sort of an unspecific and possibly nonimportant way.

i am feeling stressed out at work

Holiday Party Extravaganza, Part II

The second and final installment of Holiday Party. Now in third person limited.

Holiday Party: Part II

The Mission

Had she taken notes? She certainly couldn't find any notes. But had she really not written anything down at all? That seemed too irresponsible to be true. Perhaps she had counted on storing every moment, every image in her mind, as if memorizing the facets of a well-guarded piece of technology in order to smuggle the design out of the workshop for later reconstruction. Alas, if she had purloined anything useful from that medieval basement, she did not know where she'd put it.

She remembered it had been cold out. She and her good friend Megan had walked down some stairs to an underground area where gathered was a cluster of Megan's co-workers. There was a bar on the left side of the main room, a fireplace straight ahead, and a dining area to the right. She remembered being greeted by a woman who resembled a bowling pin with a reddish-blonde perm. The woman was enormously tall, and both firm-bodied and comfortably corpulent. She was attractive, in a big business, newscaster sort of way. Her date had "totally ditched her," or so she proclaimed loudly several times. In the date's stead, was a pleasant-faced, short woman, who seemed like the type of loyal friend who would fill in for an absentee beau at the last minute. She remembered meeting another gigantic woman, this one, with the shape, and almost the complexion, of an orange traffic cone. Both of the enormous women wore high-heels, or so she recalled. She realized that she didn't know if they were both wearing high-heels, although she had told herself that at least one of them was intermittently threatening to topple over due to precarious shoe-ware. It didn't seem to matter though. She hadn't been there for them.

The story went something like this: her friend Megan had to attend a holiday party. The party was mandatory. Fun needed to be had. Merriment was obligatory. She was to accompany Megan—her attendance, as a guest of Megan, was also non-optional. Smiling, chatting, joking, nodding, mingling. These were the tricks of her trade. The slacks and dress shirt made for a modest disguise, but a disguise nonetheless. She didn't have much of a cover story. Her real name and occupation, she gave freely. The location place of residence, most definitely revealed. But she hadn't told anyone why she was really there. And now, she herself couldn't say why.

She certainly hadn't come for the food. At events like these, she normally ate herself into a cheese and cracker induced torpor. But she hadn't touched the mystery ball of fat and flesh that was the centerpiece of the snack plate. A few pieces of fruit were her only hors d'oeuvres. Later in the evening, she would consume more, but not with her usual exuberance. No, she had certainly not come for the food.

She met a woman squeezed into a blue, sequined dress. That's right. The head honcho. Megan's boss. How could she forget? This seemed to be essential, or was it a red herring? She remembered seeing the back of the famed individual. White-haired head swaying while sage advice was being dispensed to a rapt and impressed audience of two or three. Facing the woman, though, she saw that she was swaying with intoxication. "Aren't you sweet and cute," the woman said had to her, loosely letting her observations curl around to Megan's ears. Associate Director Megan's appearance and demeanor were apparently under surveillance by the Executive Director; later compliments by the latter would also prove to be underhanded criticisms of the former. Such as, "Megan, her haircut is so cute, why don't you get a cute haircut like that?" To which, Megan had responded with rage-filled cries of "I gave her that haircut! That's MY haircut!" In the end though, the flattery toward her seemed to be part of a game, a game for the grooming of a young apprentice. A game that Megan was important enough to be playing, but that she was not. She had done her role well though, and that was the key to winning her own game.

Megan, her boss, her boss' husband, and an older couple with whom they were friends shared the dinner table with her. The man of the older couple friends told some jokes. One went something like this: A man [Megan's boss' husband] goes to the doctor. The doctor says to him, "You have to start eating right, you have to start exercising, and you have to start having sex at least five times a week, or you'll die." The man tells his wife what the doctors says, he explains that he's made up some healthy recipes and found a gym. The wife [Megan's boss] thinks for a moment. Then she says to her husband, "I'm so sorry to hear that you're going to die." Guffaws.

Dinner began with dessert. Why not? Life is short, eat dessert first. And the tempers of hungry holiday-party-goers are even shorter, so you better serve them something if dinner's not ready yet. After the pineapple (or was it lemon?) sorbet, they waited. The whole time, Megan's boss made the others at the table give her their drinks, filling up her empty wine glass out of view of the bartender/server.

Throughout the dinner the boss had quietly delivered spoken messages to Megan's guest. The boss had said something about, well, something that had been hard to decipher. It had involved danger and intrigue. Child molesters? Suspicious people hanging out on the street? But she seemed to remember too that Megan's boss had said something about bagpipes. The comments had been abstruse, but were clearly rich with significance. After a quiet diatribe about the babies or Scotland or the swirl of hope and danger that confronted all of us each day, the boss had turned to her and asked: "Do you think yes or no?" The past middle-aged eyes had beckoned for the right answer. "Yes or no?," the plastered supervisor pleaded again, clearly there could be no equivocating or fence-sitting on this one. "Yes," the guest replied. "Good," said the wino, "thank you."

On the tails of the memory of that conversation, a shrill voice echoed in her head. Yes, a shrill voice had puller her closer. "Don't let her have any more!," the voice had said. "She's had enough." The same voice had screeched, "They're trying to kill me!" when her air supply tube had popped out of the tank. But this was the head honcho of the head honcho. Who, wheelchair bound and tethered to a mechanical oxygen delivery system, served as the ailing godfather (or was she a fairy godmother?) to the whole operation. This older lady was the older sister. She had apparently raised Megan's boss for the first ten years of her pre-Megan's boss existence. A fact that Megan's boss had not forgotten, and which was sweetly recounted at the dinner table. She remembered the boss declaring her profound love for her sister several times. This also seemed important.

The bathroom had been a portal to a separate world. This must have been the ad hoc headquarters where she and Megan could speak and reflect freely on their findings and on their own performances. This was where Megan told her that she had slipped up once—mistaking the crumpled drunkard for a humble and self-reflective soul. This was also where they had swapped analysis on all sorts of social victories and oddities. She didn't have any notes from these meetings, and now the meetings were over. The bowling pin and traffic cone had made it into the headquarters, but they didn't recognize it as such. As soon as alien laughter came through the door, the martini bar, the giggling flappers, the gents at the pool table were all swung to the other side of the rotating wall. They turned it into a warehouse at the drop of a hat, even when Eliot Ness was nowhere in sight.

"Time for the ornament exchange!" The ornament exchange, which followed dinner, was a battle of wits. Pick an ornament, someone steals it. Then someone steals from the thief, and the last thief keeps. She wanted to steal Peter's ornament. That bastard, he deserved it. Spider man, rainbow pinecone, Mickey Mouse, model airplane, springy snowman, homemade Kaluha, Santa crystal, snowflake crystal, abstract crystal. Peter lost, but not to her. With no chips thrown down—Megan had not been on the email list saying to bring an ornament--they left with a snowman, a pinecone, and some booze. Not bad.

The end of the night and some speeches were made. "Remember the elderly. You'll be old too some day! This is the one cause where you're really investing in your own future." Then the shrill voice interjected, "Go home and have great sex!" Some awkward, and perhaps a few knowing, glances were exchanged. The audience of drones had acted accordingly throughout the evening. Megan's boss was passed out on a chair. Later she would be passed out in the front seat as Megan and guest were huddled in the trunk of the car that would take them home. The older sister was most proximate to them, and had requested and received kisses from both. She thought she heard the older sister muttering in a fearful tone when no one else was around, about it being hard, and things of that sort. The older sister was brave.

Back at the house, she and Megan found themselves dizzy with the alcohol that hadn't been pilfered by Megan's boss. "That was awesome." "Couldn't have been better." She remembered the event to be disturbing (because of the automatons) and stirring (because of the more inspired ones). She had been privy to much, but couldn't quite put all the pieces together. Her mission, from what she could gather, had involved several sub-missions. To play it smooth, to collect information, and to see past the clutter. Had she done these things? Perhaps. It was all a jumble of fleeting memories now: some false, some true. All that was left was to write them down.

Ejercicios para personas mayores

so good

in other news, i never did get that prize that was promised to me. "by the end of the week." as in, last week. so fucking typical. feeling humiliated by my hopes and dreams.

i can't believe this is really happening to me!

---

From: Amy Williams
Sent: Tuesday, January 23, 2007 4:39 PM
To: Get It; Aerry Rasmussen; Linda Crecraft; Poppy Preston; Megan Harrington
Subject: baby prize!

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to let you know that Megan Harrington was the winner of the “guess the baby’s weight” game that we participated in at Aerry’s baby shower. As you have probably heard, Sienna weighed in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces. Megan guessed 7 lbs, 14 oz. Peter came in at a close second place with 7 lbs, 7 oz. Michael tried to cheat by altering the entries but fortunately confessed to his crime! Megan will receive a prize at the end of the week!

Thank you all for participating!

Amy Williams

oh my god! this is so exciting!!

my view and the weather depress me

and here is my view today

you can probably expect some kind of time lapse photography over the next... like... period in which i still find this interesting.

pictures

this is what it looks like outside my office window








and this is what cute animals look like

bulletin from poppy

GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED

This is hysterical! Make sure you read the whole thing. There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way there.

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And, see how THEY come out!

Mail this to 13 other females. Now, don't break the chain! One female broke the chain, her plumbing became so bad, she now has an outhouse! OK gals, now that you have had your laugh, remember...Breast Cancer Awareness... Go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy! Pass the message on to your mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends, --- and even your enemies. Because the WORST enemy is Breast Cancer

much better

today so far more or less blows

i have a flat tire! and i had two last week! so this seems bad, and possibly ominous. and they are each new punctures, and the tire and rim were checked METICULOUSLY for wayward glass shards before the tube was carefully reinserted....
i got today's flat tire on the 205 bike path, and then i jogged along with my bike about 1/2 or 3/4 of a mile to the clackamas town center... where i MIRACULOUSLY caught the 79 bus, which only comes once in a thousand years, and was only 8 minutes late to work.
but THEN...
i reached into my bag to find my nice office sweater and clean, unsweaty bra and...
THEY WEREN'T THERE! BECAUSE I LEFT THEM AT HOME!
so. i am in a (sweaty) sports bra, biking shorts, slacks, and a black tank top. which, as you know, frankly will not fly.


but there was no time to lose! disasters were afoot. first of all, today is the deadline for airfare deposits from students. one student (who is totally essential due to his construction experience) is pulling out from the program. other students have not contacted us and are nowhere to be found. i will surely be driving the company car every which way after 5pm retrieving checks which will then need to be overnight mailed to sustainable travel. which forced me to cancel my 5:30 appointment to meet with a woman from Portland Impact so that i can be a friendly visitor to oldies in their homesies.
then! i forgot that we'd changed a conference call from 10 to 9:30. so in a panic, i called everyone late! and couldn't get through at all to the nicaraguan architect! so we had the call without him! but he was the whole point of the call!
then i started to feel cold inside my sweaty sports bra.
my plans for the day include:

• using my lunch break to buy an officey sweater and a stick of deodorant from fred meyer. also probably a comb and a hair dryer.
• avoiding my boss whenever possible
• not eating my lunch yet
• kicking and spitting on my "bicycle"

aerry sent to the whole office the following :

blivionmovie!

or go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLHBnt2MepE for possibly higher quality, faster loading?

finally my good work is getting some attention

see link.

wow, and christmas

things are great.

today i went out for lunch with patience, poppy, and keren.
i received:

• a holiday bonus ($250) (!)
  
• back pay for my raise ($400) (!)
  
• many headbands
• also a cute fuzzy headband that looks like christmas lights and lights up at the tips.

• a snowman candle and candle holder (ugly variety)
• fancy lunch out at restaurant (portabello burger)
• a fancy pen
• permission to leave early
• an actually nice scarf (black)
• 4 jars of homemade jam (made by keren's hilarious sister, donna, who is currently in the hospital)
• a lot of information about why everyone we work with at the office is terrible and lazy but why we are so great
• christmas socks

i am instructed that i must spend some of the ridiculous amounts of money i just got on clothes. which is fine by me. also the other day i discovered that patience is also harassed about her wardrobe. so. that's awesome. i also discovered the other day that patience and poppy are my friends. either that or i'm losing my mind.

keren was very sweet and has not even brought up the fact that i skipped work on wednesday. here is a picture of my very nice boss, keren.

nsf ,ppf

the title is code for "bad mood." the code is that both of my hands were one space the the right of the correct placement. and the reason for this code is so that you would not be turned off to reading what is sure to be an excellent and enlightening post.

i am in a bad mood because my boss keren is sometimes mean and/or disrespectful.

here is a picture of keren:

you will hear more about keren in parts 2-12 of tara's very popular holiday party blogging extravaganza.

i guess i don't feel like going into detail because it is actually quite stupid and petty, and because i just told kai over gchat.

but i really really do wish that my workplace were not so stupid.

also, i attended aerry (human resource lady) 's baby shower today and i bought her

1. a hanging whats-it-called with danglies... a... shit. mobile. i guess. with a butterfly or other flying bug type thing with wings that crackle
2. baby washcloths, cute variety

i am feeling crabby and also i am probably premenstrual again which leads me to believe that

1. this blog is keeping me better in touch with the various issues of my menstrual cycle and that
2. i hate my menstrual cycle

WAIT!! BREAKING NEWS!! this email LITERALLY just arrived in my inbox, from poppy of course, WHILE i was blogging.
so fresh off the press we have: